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Dear Ayesha,
I haven't read your book to the fullest yet but breezing through it I have
found some examples and tips for some things I go through with BM.
My fiance and I have been together for almost 4 years now we just
announced our engagement. I have some issues with BM.
My fiancee thinks i am overreacting, even though he sees my point of
view. I know before me, BM saw herself as a part of his family, but now
that I am in the picture it seems like she is still there, and not just
because of their child. She comes and brings his daughter over his
house every other weekend but, brings her other 2 children along and
drops them off , too!
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me very uncomfortable to be around them because I feel betrayed. It's like he has two girlfriends and
we should all get one big house together! I feel she's using her kids to get under my skin. He has told
her numerous times not to drop off all her kids because he only has one child with her. But the blame
also goes to his mother and sister because they keep it like that and I think they should know better.
Me and my fiance are together now and i feel very disrespected. His sister hangs with BM, his mother
allows her to keep bringing her kids to watch them, and every time it causes a confrontation between
me and him.
I feel like they like her better because of how they act one way toward her and act another way toward
me. This past April our daughter had a birthday and I planned her a big party. Do you know that none of
his people showed up for the party? But they were able to make to the other child's birthday dinner. I
was so upset because I go out my way to do things to make everyone comfortable.
I am so tired and sometimes I think of just leaving him alone because it seems not to be worth it.
Can you please help me ?
Thanks
N from Detroit
Hi, thanks for writing.
I think once you read the book in its entirety you may begin to understand more about the way you feel
and how you should handle what I'm sure is an uncomfortable situation.
The most important thing is that your hubby-to-be make you feel respected and comfortable at all
times. True, it is his responsibility to take care of his children, and he can't control whether or not BM
still hangs around his family. It is still, however, his job to listen to your fears and help you see that he
will do everything that is ration to make you feel safe and comfortable.
The truth is that you have to learn how to let BM live her life. As long as she isn't coming and parking
her tail at YOUR dining room table, LOL, there isn't much you can do. I don't know how close BM is
with your fiance's family, but be confident that you are fine in your place within the family. So what if she
and the family still like hanging out? It's up to you to make sure that YOU are comfortable in your skin
no matter who is there. Honestly, if your fiance's family doesn't know how lucky they are to have you in
their lives then either you aren't showing them who you really are because you're too preoccupied with
BM hanging out over mom-in-law's...or they're just stupid.
If you are the kind, patient and obviously strong woman you sound like you are, then the only thing you
can do when you see BM hanging around your fiance's family is to be yourself. Don't let anyone make
you believe that you are second place or less than fabulous.
And I know it's awkward because you mention that your fiance still lives with his mother...well, maybe
it's time he gets his own place. But of course, no one can force him to do that. He has to want it, and
as a man who plans on being a husband he should definitely have the ability to create and maintain a
private, safe space for his future wife and present children without BM coming up in and spreading
negative energy. Please let me know how things go.
Hope that helped!
Take care--ayesha
More Questions and Answers
Click on the topic to read the advice for each issue
I feel insecure, and BM is out of control
It seems like BM is coming on to my husband
I'm about to leave my husband
I can not wait until my book is released in May. I wish you could turn right to the chapters on the Rude
Ex and the chapter on the Psycho ex. The new Web site should be up by the end of this week and
you'll be able to read excerpts from the book. Unfortunately, you won't be able to purchase old versions
of the "self-published" edition, but I assure you that the new version, being released by Kensington in
May is just as good if not better.
As for you, congratulations on the baby! There's a chapter that deals with what happens when you and
hubby decide to have a baby of your own and the challenges that may come about from that. I think it's
great right now that you're laying low and allowing your hubby to fend off BM by himself. Because
truthfully, you should be concentrating on keeping your baby safe--and you can't do that if you're
mentally stressed out because of BM's ill behavior and nonsense.
I see that this BM has a habit of trying to come in and out of your hubby's and your life. I'm sure that
may have an effect on your stepdaughter. You have to let go of your frustrations concerning BM leaving
the state, etc. If she want to have an insane lifestyle then by all means it's her party, but you nor your
hubby have to attend. Hubby should have a clear visitation schedule outlined with BM and in writing. It
is also very common that fathers who have disagreeable BMs opt to "stay away" or "cut" BM out of their
lives indefinitely. I can understand why your hubby has the cell phone that his daughter calls, etc.
However, your hubby has to make sure that he doesn't allow BM's tantrums or silliness to pull him out
of his character--meaning basically--stooping to her level. It's up to both of you to show that you mean
business regarding her negative energy. If she's not mentally well enough to be that much a part of
your lives, then it's still possible to enjoy your stepdaughter, you and hubby will just have to find a legal
way to ensure this.
In the book I do talk about the silly things that BMs may wear or do to get their child's father or the wife
(you, in this case) jealous. Don't sweat it, in fact, pity the poor child who was conceived under such
circumstances. Unless BM gets to a therapist, she'll do a lot of silly things. All you can do is shake
your head and at the same time, make sure that it doesn't affect your quality of life.
All in all, your husband must take the first steps in protecting your home and himself from BM. If that
means getting a restraining order, or getting visitation schedules in writing, etc, then so be it. You and
your husband have a beautiful baby to raise, and yes, he has a daughter with BM, but it is your
responsibility as a mom to give your child the best atmosphere that he or she deserves. That
atmosphere doesn't have to include the drama, but like I said, you and hubby must come up with a
plan.
It takes time, but if you remain united, you'll both be much more happier and as for BM...well, she'll
be...herself, except YOU won't have to deal with the bulk of her nonsense once you get your filters in
place.
Also, if you are feeling overwhelmed (as in wanting to leave the marriage because BM's drama is too
much) that's understandable, too. Talk to hubby about this and I strongly suggest family counseling
because being in a blended family is not an innate skill, it takes time to resist the urge to stoop to
BM's level. This will allow you and your hubby to learn healthy ways to move forward.
All the best, and I'll keep you posted as to when the book is available.
Ayesha
More Questions and Answers
Click on the topic to read the advice for each issue
I'm ready to leave my husband
I feel insecure, and BM is out of control
