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advice@ayeshagallion.com. Your question may be edited for
length and clarity. For other Q&As, check the bottom of this page.
Ayesha,
My husband was with his BM since he was 17. They were
together for 8 years and they had two boys 4 and 6. The BM lives
with his mother and before we married he was living there, too.
They were not together for over two years as far as to sleeping
together. But they both lived in the same home and dated other
people.
She has caused problems by filing an abandonment order when
he was already taking care of his boys. Also this BM has caused
problems between him and his brother and they stopped
speaking to each other twice. She and her friends have also lied
to my husband on me about things he took her word over mine. It
was only after the truth came out that he realized she was lying.
with each other. I do not feel it is necessary for her to text message him with simple things. I feel that they
should keep it related to their children. She is always calling my husband for every little thing! Things that
she can take care of by herself.
My husband, his family and friends have told me how bad she has treated him and how she never
cleaned, cooked, did nothing for him. But his family does not respect me on the level of being his wife--
they are cordial to me, but everybody is always catering to her. Hell, if I wanted to go and visit his mother
that poses a problem because she will feel uncomfortable (but it’s alright for her make our lives
miserable?).
I tried being the good and bigger person but I do not have the energy anymore. Why is it so hard for him
to let go and realize entertaining her simple whims poses a problem to our marriage? I really need your
help because I am at the point were I am about to leave my husband.
I came across your website because I have been searching for the past seven days to find some type of
reassuring words of wisdom for BM. I to aspire to become a writer. This has been a dream of mine since
I was seven. I started writing my own survival guide, but after reading your excerpts I have decided to take
another route. You have proved beyond a doubt that this is the only survival book needed. I am also
sending a copy of this book to my husband’s BM. If you have the time can you spare some advice?
Thanks for your wonderful work.
L., Atlanta
I'm hearing two main issues from you:
One is that your husband is not setting appropriate boundaries when it comes to BM, regardless of
the kind of behavior BM has exhibited in the past.
Two is that you love your husband and accept his past, but you won't stand for a tattered marriage due
to Baby's Mama Drama that your hubby allows to take place.
Sounds like a challenging situation. I think that you have every right to expect your hubby to protect your
marriage. You deserve the best and if he can't provide that for you, then surely you'll question the point
of remaining married to him. I think that you should sit down and write down what you'll accept and
what you won't accept from your hubby regarding BM, and then you should gently tell him that in order
for you to remain married then he'll have to start delivering and showing you that he was and STILL IS
worthy of being married to you.
See, you can't control that BM lives with your mother-in-law, but that doesn't mean you can't hold your
head up high as a daughter-in-law. Just because your hubby had kids with her doesn't make you any
less important or special. You also can't control that BM is a person that is in need of some healing
and self-esteem. Don't let her nonsense make you lose your self-worth or esteem, hold on tight to
who you were before you encountered the Baby's Mama Drama and the problems with your husband.
Again, there's so many dynamics that come along with how your husband needs to treat the drama,
how you should react to it, etc. In the meantime please talk to your husband and maybe seek some
spiritual/religious counseling or family counseling services. It may help to identify some of the issues
and give both of you a clearer understanding of what needs to be done.
I suggest you begin building a brighter, better world for yourself, hopefully your hubby will want to build
it with you.
Take care--
Ayesha
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