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advice@ayeshagallion.com. Your question may be edited for
length and clarity. For other Q&As, check the bottom of this page.
More Questions and Answers
Click on the topic to read the advice for each issue
I'm thinking about leaving my husband
It seems as if BM is coming on to my husband
BM keeps hanging around my fiancee's family!
Dear Ayesha,
I haven't read your book yet but I'm counting the days until I do
because I'm about to lose my mind.
I’m 20, and I have a baby girl who is almost 1. My fiancé and I
have been friends since middle school. When he was 16 he had
a baby girl with BM.
Why have I staying for two years with all this drama? Why? How
much longer can or am I supposed to stay???
(she used to live there) drop off their daughter (yet hang around for an hour), slam my doors, calls with
an attitude, recently called me telling me I should check my man because he is over at her house
everyday and THE WORST--brings her kid in the middle of it (she's only 5).
I don't know what to do. I love my fiancé, but why doesn't he get a court order and stop this? He says he
loves me, so why is his ex walking all over me, yet he hates it when I say anything about her?
I look for her when I am driving or out. I want to know what she looks like or how her hair is styled or what
she is wearing. Why am I doing this?
Please, please let me know why this is happing to me.
Thank you for your time and comfort
P., from Arizona
Wow, there's seems to be a lot of confusion and pain in your situation. BUT, congratulations on your baby
and having the courage to get married, be a wife and stepmother to a 5-year-old.
I'll try to address as much as I can in this response. Just hold tight, you'll be able to get the book soon, I
think May 10th it'll be on sale on the Net and on May 18th in stores nationwide.
Your issue: You say you feel like you’re competing with your fiancé's BM.
My answer: Pearl, why would you want to compete with a person who lies, uses her child as a pawn and
lives her life out of spite and maniacal jealousy? That's like putting a mutt to compete in a dog show only
made for the finest bred poodles and terriers, you know? You shouldn't want to compete with someone
who's behavior is so cruddy and whose morals are so low, you should think about other women you
ADMIRE, even if it's a TV celeb like Oprah. Compete with women like that, let positive women push you to
be your best or be better than you are, don't enter a competition with a woman who is already a loser
unless you want to be affiliated with losers. You are a winner because you are brave and very honest with
yourself about this situation.
Your issue: Your fiancé has done things you can't forgive or forget.
My Answer: Well, depending on what those things are, it will take you time to forgive. Of course, one
should never forget any of her experiences because they all help us become stronger, even if that
experience was painful. I don't know what your fiancé has done but if you have lost your trust for him, then
you or the both of your need to seek spiritual or mental health/family counseling together. Sometimes
couple need outside help to get to better places in the relationship. Check in your area for mental health
services that accept your health insurance. If you don't hae insurance, check around for organizations that
offer counseling at reduced costs.
You issue: Why are you staying with all of this drama?
My answer: I don't know. Why are you staying? You say that your fiancé is allowing BM to do whatever she
wants without taking his responsibility toward you into consideration. Are you afraid of being alone to
raise your daughter? Do you feel as if BM will have won if you leave the relationship? Are you staying
because you really believe that you have a solid future with your fiancé? You have to be brave enough to
stay if you know that the marriage is a rare jewel, but you also have to be brave enough to LEAVE if you
are not being protected from BM's insane behavior or if your fiancé isn't showing you (through actions)
that he loves you.
Your issue: You've listed a few crazy things that BM has done.
My answer: For sure, she sounds like the classic Baby's Mama. Off the hook and not hanging on a single
hinge, LOL. Welcome to the club, many blended families have dealt with behaviors liek this from BMs.
Your fiancé should seek protection from your local courts, and if necessary you should file for an anti-
harassment order. (I have a few chapters dealing with rude, violent or mentally ill BM and how to
approach the challenge)
In reading the last part of your email it sounds as if you are obsessed with BM's whereabouts and life
because you are feeling insecure about yourself. Maybe you feel as if she is better than you...or that
there's something special about her that will make your fiancé leave you. If your fiancé respects you and
your bond, then you have nothing to worry about. You should know and remember why YOU are attractive,
why YOU are a beautiful person. Trust me, I don't know who this woman is, and neither do billions of
other people in America. She is not the Queen of the World, you are building her up to be much bigger
than she really is. It's time to start building YOURSELF back up. It starts within YOU.
If you don't trust your fiancé, then obviously there are reasons why. Get to the bottom of these questions
and demand that you fiancé help you solve things so that you can move forward together. If not, you are
young and brave: your life will not be over if you leave behind an abusive relationship with your fiancé (if
that's what's happening here) .
Best of luck & stay in touch
Ayesha
